01 30 19

Monkey,

Today was just like most of the days that had passed. We had fun, sweet moments like we used to on a regular basis. Except the other night when you thought that I was cheating on you, that I was having sex with someone else when in reality I was asleep. You were vile with your words, and I tried not to breakdown and succumb to depression. Perhaps I brought this to myself, for wronging you at the start of our relationship, before being not a good enough boyfriend. So I remained calm while you continue to crush me, because I did not want to fight with you. Not on our second week apart, not ever if we could avoid it.

I did not fight back because I understand you, that you have wounds to heal and perhaps it might take some more time. But please allow me to be candid, that whenever that happens, I see a dark cloud hovering above me, draining all my hopes and aspirations away. Every day I feel very inspired because of you, because you bring out the best in me; because you make me feel loved constantly; because you light the fire in me, but you also put out that fire when you make me feel that way. I feel hopeless and incapable of change, that I will always be a slut in your eyes. It feels as though nothing I ever do would make up for all the wrong things I did and all the shortcomings I committed.

But I accept that, because perhaps that is the consequence of my actions. I just hope that there will come a day when you no longer see me that way, that all you ever acknowledge is the hard work and willingness I put into changing myself. And I am willing to work hard for that because I want to be with you. I want to be your lifelong husband—and you, mine. I want to have a family with you and Phen. So I hope you believe me whenever I say that all that is in my mind right now is having a great future with you and Phen in it. Because everything I do right now is just for the three of us, for our family, for our home, and for our happiness and the great memories we would have with each other and our families. I love you so much, so much that saying I love you many times a day just does not suffice, because the feelings I have for you are too strong. And I thank you for that because I have never loved like this before, and I never thought that this intensity of love is not possible. It makes me feel alive more than ever. And I hope that I give the same inspiration and fire to you in the same way.

I hope we could be together soon so we could start our family. And I hope that someday you will look at me as a changed person, and that we could put my dirty past behind us.

I hope that someday I will be good enough for you.

Full of love and hope,

Babi